email page print pageAll Topic Reviews
269 Amazing Sex GamesA History of MarriageA Pocket History of Sex in the Twentieth CenturyActionAll the WayAlways Forever MaybeAmerica UnzippedAmerica UnzippedAmerica's Sexual TransformationAmerican EugenicsAmerican GirlsAmerican HookupAn Interpretation of DesireAnarchism & SexualityAnatomy of a BoyfriendAnatomy of LoveAnthony GoicoleaAnticlimaxArt and HomosexualityArt/PornAssuming a BodyAutoportraitBachelors and BunniesBecoming OrgasmicBehind the Red DoorBest Sex Writing 2005Better Sex Through YogaBetter Sex Through YogaBetter Than EverBetween Mom and JoBeyond Diversity DayBeyond SexualityBeyond SpeechBeyond ToleranceBig Porn IncBill HensonBodies in DoubtBody ImagesBonkBoys Don't CryBreasts - A DocumentaryBrothelBuying SexCase Studies in Communication about SexCase Studies in Sexual DevianceCaught in the WebCelibaciesChildren and SexualityChildren and the Politics of SexualityChildren with Sexual Behavior ProblemsChildren, Sexuality and SexualizationChristy ReportClay's WayClinical Manual of Women's Mental HealthClose toYouClumsyCold HitCollege SexComing of Age in AmericaConfessions of the Other MotherCybersexCyborgasmDare... to Make Love with 2, 3, 4... or MoreDare... to Try BisexualityDating: Philosophy for EveryoneDeadly ButterflyDebating Same-Sex MarriageDeep GossipDeparting from DevianceDesire, Love, and IdentityDigital DiariesDilemmas of DesireDirty MindsDirty StoriesDisorders Of DesireDisorders of Sex Development:Doing ItDoing ItDoing It Down UnderDown and Dirty Sex SecretsDude, You're a FagEarly Embraces IIIEmerald City BluesEmotionally InvolvedEnjoying Guilty PleasuresErotic CapitalErotic InnocenceErotic PassionsEthics, Sexual Orientation, and Choices about ChildrenEveryday PornographyEvolution and Human Sexual BehaviorExploring TranssexualismFade to BlackFagbugFaking ItFamilies Like MineFast GirlsFinal JeopardyFinding H. F.Fire on the Mountain DVDFor Lesbian ParentsFor The Bible Tells Me SoForbiddenFrictionFrom Disgust to HumanityFrom Shame to SinFuckologyGay, Straight, and the Reason WhyGender in the MirrorGender OutlawsGeography ClubGetting OffGetting RealGetting the Love You WantGirls & SexGirls Gone MildGirls Gone SkankGLBTQGoddess WorshipGoing DownGood GirlsGood PornGood Sex IllustratedGreat Answers to Difficult Questions About SexGuide To Getting It OnHandbook New Sexuality StudiesHandbook of Counseling and Psychotherapy with Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual ClientsHard to GetHardcore from the HeartHear Us Out!HeterosyncraciesHit & MissHomosexualitiesHookedHooking UpHow Sex Became a Civil LibertyHow Sex ChangedHow Sex WorksHow To Be GayHow to Do Things with Pornography How to Give Her Absolute PleasureHow to Have Magnificent SexHow to Make Great Love to a ManHow to Make Great Love to a WomanHow to Make Love Like a Porn StarHow to Think More About SexHypnography for MenHypnography for WomenHysterical MenI'd Rather Eat ChocolateI'll Be Your MirrorIf Men Could TalkImpotenceIn a Queer VoiceIn Praise of the WhipIn the Mood, AgainInsatiable WivesIntense Games DVDInvestigating Young People's Sexual CulturesIt's Perfectly NormalIt's Perfectly NormalItís Your HourJane Sexes It UpJock SturgesJust Between UsKama-Sutra--The Secrets to the Art of LoveKids Gone WildLegalizing ProstitutionLegalizing ProstitutionLet's Get This StraightLets Talk about SexLetters to Penthouse Vol. 50Likely to DieLittle ChicagoLoose GirlLosing Matt ShepardLoveLove and DesireLove and SexLove JunkieLove Lust DesireLove SickLustMad for FoucaultMagical ThinkingMaking American BoysMaking Babies the Hard WayMaking Chastity SexyMaking Peace with PornMaking ScenesMale SexualityMalefemaleMaster BreastsMating in CaptivityMedicalized MasculinitiesMelancholia and MoralismMenMental Health Issues in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Communities MiddlesexMoney ShotMoral Panics, Sex PanicsMy Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me UpMy HeartbeatMy Horizontal LifeName All the AnimalsNatural BeautyNerveNerveNew Sex Now DVDNightswimmingNone of the AboveNormalNormalNot GayNot My ShameNot The Marrying KindNot Under My RoofNothing PinkOedipus WreckedOn Being RapedOne Hot SecondOne Hour in ParisOpenOrgasmOrgasm Inc.OrgasmologyOrgasmsOver 100 Truly Astonishing Sex TipsOverexposedPeekPeriod PiecesPervPhilosophizing About Sex Philosophy of Love, Sex, and MarriagePhilosophy of Love, Sex, and Marriage: An IntroductionPin-up GrrrlsPINSPlease Don't Kill the FreshmanPolicing SexualityPolyamory in the 21st CenturyPornPorn NationPorn StudiesPorn UniversityPornifiedPornlandPornographyPornographyPornography, Sex, and FeminismPosition Of The Day PlaybookPray the Gay AwayPredatorsPremarital Sex in AmericaPrinciples and Practice of Sex TherapyPrivate Dicks - Men ExposedPrivate Practices DVDProblem GirlsPrudePsychopathia SexualisQueer PhilosophyRapeRape Is RapeRated X - A Journey Through PornRazmatazRecruiting Young LoveRedefining GirlyRedefining RapeRegulating SexRelax, It's Just SexRethinking Gender and Sexuality in ChildhoodRethinking RapeRunning with ScissorsSatan's Sex BookScreening SexSelling Sex ShortSexSex & Single GirlsSex (Ed)Sex and SpiritSex and the American TeenagerSex and the SoulSex and the Soul, Updated EditionSex and WarSex at DawnSex by NumbersSex DetoxSex Fiends, Perverts, and PedophilesSex in CrisisSex in the World of MythSex ObjectSex OffendersSex on the BrainSex PositionsSex Q & ASex, Family, and the Culture WarsSex, or the UnbearableSex, Therapy, and KidsSex, Time and PowerSextasySexting and Young PeopleSexual ArtSexual Boundary ViolationsSexual DevianceSexual DisordersSexual EcstasySexual EthicsSexual FluiditySexual IntelligenceSexual Orientation and Psychodynamic PsychotherapySexual Orientation and School PolicySexual PleasureSexual PredatorsSexual Teens, Sexual MediaSexuality in AdolescenceSexuationSexyBookShameShamelessShy GirlSlutWalkSmall FavorsSmutSocial Control of Sex OffendersSome Assembly RequiredSplit ScreenStir-FryStraight to JesusStrange BedfellowsStripped BareSurviving Sexual ViolenceSymptoms of Being HumanTalkTalk to Me FirstTechniques of PleasureTestosterone RexThe Anthropology of SexThe BabiesThe Better Sex Guide to the Kama SutraThe Big Book of PornThe Birth of the PillThe Blue Moon Erotic Reader IIIThe BodyThe Breast BookThe Breath of Tantric LoveThe Busy Couple's Guide to Great SexThe Case of the Female OrgasmThe Chemistry Between UsThe Clitoral TruthThe Dangerous Art of Blending InThe Education of SophieThe Emergence of SexualityThe End Of AliceThe End of SexThe Erotic EdgeThe Erotic Lives of WomenThe Essential KamasutraThe Evolution of BeautyThe Fate of GenderThe First Man-Made ManThe First TimeThe Gay Baby BoomThe Good Vibrations Guide to SexThe Happy Hook-UpThe Hite ReportThe Humble Little CondomThe Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive OrgasmThe Illustrated Story of OThe Love CureThe Madness of WomenThe Men They Will BecomeThe Mirror of LoveThe Miseducation of Cameron PostThe Moral Panics of SexualityThe Naked Truth About SexThe Nature of Sexual DesireThe New Erotic PhotographyThe New Gay TeenagerThe Notebook GirlsThe Only Girl in the CarThe Order of the Poison OakThe Origins of SexThe Other HollywoodThe Other PlaceThe Other Side of DesireThe Perils of MasculinityThe Perversion of YouthThe PervertThe Philosophy of PornographyThe Philosophy of Sex: Contemporary ReadingsThe Pleasure's All MineThe Politics Of LustThe Porn TrapThe Pornographer's GriefThe Pornography IndustryThe Praeger Handbook of TranssexualityThe Psychodynamics of Gender and Gender RoleThe Purity MythThe Real Truth About Teens and SexThe Right to Be ParentsThe Secret Lives of GirlsThe Sex Addiction WorkbookThe Sex Lives of TeenagersThe Sex MythThe Shared HeartThe Sleep of ReasonThe Smart Girl's Guide to PornThe State of AffairsThe Story of SexThe SurrenderThe Ten Minute Sexual SolutionThe Tenth CircleThe Transformations of GwenThe Transformations of GwenThe Trauma MythThe Ultimate Guide to Sex and DisabilityThe Vagina MonologuesThe ValleyThe Violence of CareThe Virgin BlueThe Virginity ClubThings Tom LikesThinking KinkThinking XXXToo Hot to HandleTransTransTransgender Children and YouthUltimate JudgementUltimate SexUndoing GenderUnlikelyUntangling the WebUntrue VirginVirgin NationVirgin Sex for GirlsVirgin Sex for GuysVirginity LostWhat Does Consent Really Mean?What Women WantWhat's Happening to My Body? Book for BoysWhat's Happening to My Body? Book for GirlsWhat's Happening to Tom?What's Wrong with Homosexuality?When Jeff Comes HomeWhen Sex Goes to SchoolWhen the Piano StopsWhere Do We Fall When We Fall in Love?Who Has What?Who's Been Sleeping in Your HeadWilhelm ReichWired for IntimacyWomen and Child Sexual AbuseWomen and MadnessWritten in the FleshYou Know Me WellZen Sex
The Ten Minute Sexual Solution is a guide for couples who rarely have sex about how to achieve a more satisfying relationship. The basic idea is to open up communication, explore sexuality in a way that is positive to both, and to engage in more regular sexual interactions that don't aim to be wonderful for both partners but are at least satisfying and not unpleasant. This will have a gradually enhancing effect of reducing the frustration of the partner who feels like they are not getting enough, and since it only lasts for 10 minutes, it won't be a big deal for the other partner. Over time, both people will start to enjoy their sexual relationship more, there will be less tension over sexuality, and with greater communication and exploration, both partners will be more sexually satisfying to each other.
Darcy Luadzers has a brisk and straightforward writing style, and she includes many examples of therapy from her practice as a sex therapist. She is author of Virgin Sex for Girls and Virgin Sex for Guys, which have been reviewed on Metapsychology previously: this is a more interesting and insightful book than those two. Each chapter has boxes with tips and sexercises for readers to follow. Whether Luadzer's suggestions will actually be helpful is a matter of speculation, since she does not refer to any studies confirming the efficacy of the methods. She has used her methods with her own patients, and she reports success, and that's something, but it does not amount to scientific evidence. While she is an AASECT certified sex therapist, and has a good deal of experience, there's still no guarantee that her methods work. Yet they do make a great deal of intuitive sense.
The book provides little support for its many claims about the prevalence of low-sex and no-sex relationships in the USA, and it might be difficult to get reliable statistics anyway. But Luadzers says that a third of couples did not have sex in the last month, and 15% of couples have sex only a few times or less a year. She does not supply information about how this varies with age, income, marital status, number of hours worked each week, number of children, and so the numbers she don't really mean much except to say that a significant proportion of couples don't have much sex. She says that when she has couples as clients, the most common problem is when one partner wants to have sex more often than the other. Her methods would apply equally in relationships where both partners do not initiate sex often but feel that their relationship would be better if they were more sexually active together.
The recommendations by Luadzers could be interpreted as either progressive or regressive. The progressive part is that she is recommending that people rethink what sex is and allow for more variation, so that intercourse is not necessarily a necessary part of every sexual encounter, and that using different forms of sexual stimulation can be a good part of a relationship. Each partner gets to say what pleases them, learns to become more comfortable about talking about their sexuality and asking to get what they enjoy. So sex on this approach becomes less monolithic and more up for personal definition, empowering both partners.
The potentially regressive side of the approach is that Luadzers is recommending that the partner who is not so interested in sex do it anyway to please their partner, with the saving grace that there's an agreement that it won't last too long. This doesn't sound very different from the old fashioned idea that women should perform their wifely duties without complaint. However, it would be unfair to equate Luadzers' approach with this conservative idea, because she emphasizes that nearly everyone is capable of sexual pleasure and enjoys it, and so the task is to work out why people with apparently low sex drives don't enjoy it as much as they could. So she is no means saying that people should just lie back and endure it. She is saying that there may be times when one partner does not aim to get sexual pleasure themselves, but simply aims to give sexual pleasure to their partner, and she emphasizes that orgasm need not be the goal for either partner. Sometimes it can be satisfying to please another person. Obviously the pleasure-giving is always one-way and one person in the relationship never gets any sexual pleasure, then there's a problem that needs solving. Much of the book is about how to solve that sort of problem.
Another welcome feature of the book is its discussion of fighting and arguing, which is often a major cause of a lack of sex in a relationship. Here her advice is the standard fare of couple's therapy with rules such as no physical abuse, no yelling, no name calling, no cursing; take turns with anger; admit when you're wrong; and solve the real problem. This may be all relatively obvious, but it is worth reminding people anyway, because it is so easy to fall into problematic patterns of behavior, and resentment can fester in relationships. Then it becomes practically inevitable that the sex is going to suffer.
There are quite a few books aimed at low sex relationships available and The Ten Minute Sexual Solution is one of the better ones. Sometimes Luadzers writes as if she has invented a brand new of solving couples' sexual problems, when what she is doing is really collecting together reasonably well accepted methods and packaging them under a new title. But in fact that comes as a relief since a new untested "solution" to sexual problems in a fragile relationship is that last thing that most couples need. This book does a good job at explaining the basic ideas in simple terms and making the methods of problem-solving seem relatively do-able, so that both people in the couple might be willing to give them a try, which is what you need if they are going to have any chance of success.
· Dr Darcy's SexTherapy101 site
© 2010 Christian Perring
Christian Perring, Associate Professor of Philosophy, Dowling College, New York.