In a
discipline that all too often encourages unidimensional models of complex human
phenomena, it is a pleasure to read psychologist Ritch Savin-Williams book, Mom, Dad. 
I’m Gay: How Families Negotiate Coming Out. Savin-Williams offers the reader a generally
engrossing report of coming out experiences as seen through the eyes of
lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) youth as well as youths who have been involved
in same-sex relationships but who reject these labels for themselves. The book focuses quite specifically on what
happens when LGB youths anticipate telling their parents about their sexual
orientation and what actually occurs when they make this revelation. The stories of these revelations form the
core of the book and they are as interesting as reports of lives in
movement. They reflect fears and
triumphs, rejection and acceptance, human stupidity and human grace – all the
ups and downs that one might expect from the stories of significant events in
the lives of virtually any group of adolescents.

Savin-Williams
sets up his book by placing sexual-minority youth and their coming out in the
context of adolescent development. He
explicitly invites readers to see the similarities and differences among these
youths, and he introduces readers to basic terminology (e.g., sexual
orientation, sexual identity, homonegativity). 
The author then discusses what is known about coming out processes,
especially discrepancies between coming out narratives found in popular
literature, on the one hand, and narratives based on empirical studies, on the
other. The next four chapters of the
book focus on findings from Savin-Williams’ interviews with 164 sexual-minority
youths. The chapters are divided by
dyadic pairs: daughters and mothers, daughters and fathers, sons and mothers,
and sons and fathers. Verbatim segments
from the interviews provide lively illustrations that enhance what might
otherwise have been a fairly straightforward rendition of interview findings,
arranged in a predictable order and without much elaboration or
contextualization in other research or theory. 
The final two chapters address what is known about optimal ways to
negotiate coming out to families and raise open questions that need to be
addressed in future research.

Savin-Williams
does an outstanding job of offering observations about LGB youths that counter
the trend in both popular and psychological literature to homogenize them. The
youth in this book are not of a type; their experiences are as varied as are
the lives of any group of adolescents. Further, he gives voice to adolescents
who are not white or middle-class. Even
more pointedly, Savin-Williams’ research counters the all-too-frequent
presentation of sexual-minority youth as leading painful, oppressed lives that
universally cause them misery to the point of self-destruction. While never failing to recognize the painful
coming out experiences that some of these youths face, the author gives full
exposition to other coming out experiences, some decidedly positive and many
quite unremarkable. This is arguably the greatest strength of this book.

Another strength of Mom, Dad. I’m Gay is its
accessibility. It is well written and
straightforward, free of the jargon that stamps books as academic and at the
same time presents frequently impossible barriers to any but an academic
audience. Clearly, Savin-Williams set
out to write a book that might appeal to a broader base of readers; clearly he
has succeeded. His book offers much to
other psychologists certainly, but it also has much to say to intelligent
readers outside the discipline. The chapter,
“Negotiating healthy relationships among family members,” is extraordinarily
good. The chapter reviews major
findings from the author’s study and then translates them into advice about
various issues – for example whether to come out to parents; reasons not to
disclose sexual orientation to parents; survival tips for living in the closet;
and advice to parents. This chapter is
rich in clinical sensitivity, common sense, and appropriate humility. It alone is worth the price of the book, and
I can easily imagine copies of this chapter being passed from therapists and
youth workers to LGB youth, from youths to other youths, and from parents of
LGB youth to other parents of LGB youth.

Even as this book’s accessibility
is one of its greatest assets, its accessibility also stands as one of its
weaknesses. Savin-Williams’ straightforward
approach both to his data and to the stories of his respondents all but ignores
some of the complexity and depth that one might expect to find in such a data
set. By staying on the surface of these
data, the author provides a solid set of stories presented along a single set
of dimensions. The reader is left to wonder what else these youthful
respondents might have said. Relatedly,
the author’s exposition of the data offers little in the way of critique or analysis.
Savin-Williams appropriately relates his results with other research that is
close in terms of subject matter. But
he might have written a better and more interesting book – albeit perhaps a
less accessible one – if he had offered greater depth of analysis and critique,
using a broader base of research and theory to do so. For instance, the stories of male sexual-minority youth call out
for a feminist analysis that touches on the role of gender transgression and
might help make sense of some of the unique pressures experienced by some male
sexual-minority adolescents.

This limitation notwithstanding,
Savin-Williams has written a book that is both interesting and useful. It will be valuable to the parents of LGB
youth, to those who work with these youths and their parents, and to anyone else
who wonders what happens when LGB youth come out to their families. Many youths might find the book accessible
as well. Whoever owns the book should
make several copies of the chapter “Negotiating family relationships . . . .”
It is a particularly welcomed gift.

©
2002 Glenda M. Russell

Glenda M. Russell, Ph.D. is a
Senior Research Associate and Project Director at the Institute for Gay and
Lesbian Strategic Studies in Amherst, Massachusetts. A psychologist and an activist, she is the author of Voted Out: Psychological Consequences of
Anti-Gay Politics and co-author, with Janis S. Bohan, of Conversations About Psychology and Sexual
Orientation.

Categories: Relationships