One
of the upsetting things about good books is that too few people read them. The
Men They Will Become is one of those books that all parents and teachers of
boys ought to read.

            The
author is a medical doctor, specifically a paediatrician, and he teaches at
Harvard Medical School. He is probably best known for his work to enhance the
care of maltreated children. Very early in his career he set up an
interdisciplinary team at Boston Children’s Hospital to improve the care of
these children. Since then, his concern has widened to encompass all aspects of
child raising. This book is obviously the result of years of work with parents
and teachers. It concentrates on the upbringing and education of boys from infancy
to late adolescence. It is full of personal observation, case histories and
homespun wisdom. Paediatric specialists would probably say that the book is
nothing more than common sense but for parents and teachers there is a great
deal of material which is arresting and thought-provoking. The first thing that
might strike non-specialists is the very interesting discussion of temperament
and character. If parents knew that their son’s character was wide open to
influences from the way they brought him up, then they would be much less
fatalistic. The four levels of parental awareness (Chapter 2, The Roots of
Character) should be made compulsory reading for all couples expecting their
first child. So many mistakes in child-rearing could be avoided if only parents
thought about what they were doing and why. The sections on discipline and
punishment, sharing and curiosity were also stimulating. Some chapters,
however, really jumped out at me. What Newberger has to say about honesty in
family relationships is deeply revealing. He makes a very interesting
comparison between how the official legal processes protect witnesses by
allowing them to remain silent, put the burden of proof on the complainant,
make witnesses aware of the possible consequences of their testimony,
distinguish direct experience from hearsay, reward honesty, avoid entrapment,
etc. He then points out how frequently we break some or even all these
safeguards in family and school situations and then wonder why boys begin to
think that honesty is far from being the best policy.

            Another
section that parents and teachers ought to read is the chapter on cheating. As
someone who has been a teacher for thirty-five years, I have been struck by the
growing amount of cheating but I was far from prepared for the facts that
Newberger reveals. Eighty-eight percent of high school students say that
cheating is common; seventy-six percent of high school students admit to having
cheated (ninety-two percent of them remaining
undetected) with copying someone else’s work as the most common form of
cheating, followed by cheating in exams, reading a summary rather than a whole
book, and lastly plagiarising a published work. Collaborative work on
assignments meant to be done by an individual is also common. This whole chapter
is chilling reading for parents and teachers alike as they are reminded that it
is they who have set the scene in which cheating flourishes. Parents who
believe that the end justifies the means are, whether they are aware of it or
not, inculcating the idea in their children that cheating is fine — "Just
don’t get caught!" Teachers are made aware too that they are often
colluding with cheating. In a system which judges teachers by the results of
their students, which can pit enormous parental pressure against a school
administration including the threat of litigation, cheating may turn out to be
to everyone’s benefit! I have actually seen it happen so I know that
Newberger’s account is right. Most cheating takes place not when the student
could not do the work but because the student wants an even higher grade than
he could get with his own work. When the grade is of paramount importance and
the learning process is only a means to an end, cheating means happy students,
contented parents, a teacher basking in the reflected glory of his students and
highly satisfied school administrators! His analysis of what does lose out is
interesting. The chapter’s concluding section on the effect of cheating on
trust is a well argued plea for the importance of trust in personal
relationships as well as in a wide variety of situations in a democratic
society.

            The
chapter on cheating links up well with another on play and sports. As with
cheating, Newberger bemoans the end justifying the means in so much sport and
he is a powerful advocate for the importance of play. Other chapters on
sharing, honesty, self-control, teasing and bullying, friendship, and alcohol
are all equally full of sound and thought-provoking advice.

            As
well as a topic-based approach, the book also maintains a developmental thread
so the topics are introduced at the appropriate point in a boy’s development
and linked to specific stages — infancy, preschoolers, schoolboys, early
adolescence, and late adolescence. This makes the book suitable for a cover-to-cover
read or for use as a reference book.

            The
last chapter is entitled Giving Back. As might be expected from a man who spent
two years working with the Peace Corps, Newberger is a passionate advocate of
idealism, sharing and giving. This is an inspiring end to an inspiring book.

            Any
quibbles with the book? A small one. In the chapter on self-control, the author
has a balanced account of ADD/ADHD, discussing to what extent it may
legitimately be described as a disease and to what extent the diagnosis really
applies to a state produced by temperament and upbringing. Later in the book,
when he is dealing with young adolescents and ADD/ADHD, he accepts without
demur that it is something for which medication is suitable and by the end of
the book ADD/ADHD is described simply as a neurological problem. Newberger must
be aware of the huge debate about the nature and causes of ADD/ADHD so it is a
shame that he doesn’t stick to his earlier balanced view.

            That
small quibble aside, this is a first-rate book that would be of enormous
benefit to parents and teachers of boys. If they were to heed its wise advice,
our society would be a great deal more wholesome.

© 2003 Kevin M. Purday

Kevin M. Purday teaches at Worthing Sixth Form College, in the UK, and is currently a distance-learning student on the Philosophy & Ethics of Mental Health course in the Philosophy Dept. at the University of Warwick.

Categories: Children, Sexuality