This book shows on the front of the dust cover “7
steps to re-establish authority and reclaim love” and all my prejudices went
off at once. Was this to be another set
of facile head games? Why 7 steps, for
goodness’ sake? Why not 5 or 13 or
6½? But I opened up and got reading, as
a docile reviewer should.

I chose this book from a list offered by our learned
editor, on the basis that we have four teenagers in our house. (Well, one of them is twelve but she shows
teen symptoms already, and another is 22 but she retains many of them). I count my self reasonably experienced. At times I even think myself quite skilful
at dealing with them. They are all
still at home, generally pretty cheerful, progressing in their lives amid
thrills and spills. But Sells has a lot
to teach me, and I wish I’d had this book years ago.

As a family we went through some rough periods, and
I replayed them in my head as I read this. 
I replayed them, and I watched my self making mistakes, missing
opportunities – and doing quite a lot right as well, thank goodness. I think that the guidance I read here would
have helped us reduce the scale of those tough times, helped us to keep things
at the level of tiffs instead of confrontations and still maintain sensible behavior
on both sides. Maybe one of our kids
who went through some very difficult periods would have been spared a lot of
pain if we’d been more skilful, and I think this book might have helped us be
more skilful.

I laughed like hell when I read Sells’ description
of age regression. Basically, the
longer you stay in face to face confrontation with your teen, the younger you
get in your emotional state …… I certainly remember that now. I read about button pushing and how to deal
with it, and nodded sagely – while recalling all the time I let my buttons be
pushed. I read his suggestions on
countering teenager aces, and nodded, thinking, “Yes, we did that and it
worked, and we didn’t do that and it didn’t work.”

“Teenager aces?” you ask. They’re a set of behaviors of ascending vigor that are designed
(maybe not consciously, but certainly skillfully) to reduce a parent to –
compliance? Nervous wreck? A state of uncontrolled emotional
turmoil? One or all of these. Here’s the list, and I bet it has a grisly familiarity
to any parent of a teenager.

#1Disrespect

#2Truancy
or failing grades

#3Running
away

#4Teen
pregnancy or sexual promiscuity

#5Alcohol
or drug abuse

#6Threats
or acts of violence

#7Threats
of suicide

We had the lot, bar number 7. We handled them more or less, we went
through a great deal of pain and we came out the other side, but ….. I recall
years ago reading a book called “Baby Taming” which described the early years
in semi-military terms, and certainly the metaphors of conflict spring to mind
when one reads about the teenager aces. 
I know we could have done better!

Lets get down to the nuts and bolts. You can tell that I think this is a valuable
book for any parent. What’s in it for
you? Here’s a list of chapter headings.

1       
Understanding
why your teen is out of control

2       
Writing
an ironclad contract

3       
Troubleshooting
– how to think two steps ahead of your teenager

4       
Button
pushing – why your teen wins arguments

5       
Stopping
your teenagers seven aces

6       
There
is strength in numbers

7       
Reclaiming
love between you and your teenager

8       
What
to do if these steps fail

Most of the content seems to me very sensible,
clear, suggestions rather than prescriptions. 
There are clear pointers to when the parent would do well to bring in
skilled outside help, and I reckon most of these pointers are accurate.

Who’s it for? 
Parents – or others in responsible charge of teenagers in some way. But basically parents. It might be helpful for a general counselor,
and certainly Dr Sells strongly suggests that the handling of serious
out-of-control teen problems requires special skills and knowledge, with which
I agree.

Reservations? 
I have a couple. First, this
seems to be conceived for an American small town family. Some of the suggestions on enlisting neighbors
might not work in a European social context, or even in a big city, I suspect. 
But who knows? I never thought
of many of them, and never tried them, and maybe, just maybe …..

Second, I have some experience of the alcohol and
drugs recovery methods. I think that
the chapter on these issues is relatively weak though it does have some great
suggestions on how to deal with the behavior as it affects the home. Dr Sells might find it worth reading a bit
more widely before the second edition – because I bet there’s going to be one,
and misuse of alcohol and drugs is still going to be there as a problem.

A worthwhile book, full of things I was glad to
learn and wished I’d learned earlier.

 

©
2002 Fred Ashmore

 

Fred Ashmore is still learning about his teenagers
and does not intend to show them this book.

Categories: ChildhoodDisorders, Relationships