This is not a "how-to" book on creating a passionate marriage. Rather, it is an insightful book which gives couples a guide to sexual fulfillment and intimacy via emotional maturation. It helps a person learn to achieve mutual passion through understanding of one’s own emotions and those of one’s partner. It is not quick or easy read, because to work on the subjects covered in the book, the reader has to seriously think about their emotions and behaviors, and then decide to take risks in order to progress to the next level of emotional maturity (what Schnarch calls "differentiation") in their relationship. It is a frank book which discusses sexuality in an open manner.

The book is divided into three moderate sections: The Basics, Tools for Connection, and Observations on the Process. The first section lays the groundwork for the book and acquaints the reader with an understanding of Schnarch’s theoretical model of sexual and emotional development. Readers will find the de-emphasis on pathologizing a refreshing change from most mental health professional’s conceptualization of mental health. The second section, Tools for Connection, offers the reader specific examples of where and how to begin in making changes in your life and marriage to realize Schnarch’s model. It is engaging and well-written, and will challenge you to think differently about your relationship.

The final section, Observations on the Process, is probably the most powerful section of the book. It ties the model all together and helps the reader look at life, and their relationship, in a broader, encompassing perspective. It is sometimes painful, heart-wrenching, and sad to read, but Schnarch shows us that by achieving greater intimacy, we also achieve greater meaning in our lives.

If you’re interested, really interested, in improving your marriage (or your a therapist helping others to improve their marriages or relationships), this is a must-read. It will challenge your way of thinking about your relationship in every important way possible. The book is 432 pages in length, published in 1998, and both paperback and hardcover editions are available.

Categories: Relationships