Professor Ben Ze’ev, emeritus professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa in Israel, works in the interface between Philosophy and Psychology, and for the last twenty years has published several studies on emotions in general and love in particular.  The Arc of Love studies love and romantic relationships from the point of view of time.  Indeed, time in two dimensions. Time as an internal dimension in a relationship between two individuals, as well as the historical time in which –at least in our individualistic Western societies– our relationships are immersed.  In his concluding remarks, after an epigraph taken from J.-J. Rousseau, which speaks of a traditional stoic balancing act of power and desires, Ben Ze’ev concludes ‘we have arrived at our destination: we have arrived at long-term profound love…we saw many phenomena whose coexistence in romantic relationship seems nothing short of paradoxical…these apparent paradoxes stem from our desire to draw one comprehensive, consistent intellectual picture for all people’. And, after the journey we traveled under his guidance, Ben Ze’ev sums up: ‘the dynamism and partiality of the emotional and romantic realms mean that emotional and romantic experiences can be radically mixed’ (238).  

In this book, romantic relationships, including sexual relationships, are mostly analyzed in abstraction of a broader context.  No particular attention is paid to the fact that many couples exist in families with daughters and sons, that these families exist inside communities, which all have competing and evolving claims on the individual members of the couple. Ben Ze’ev main interest is in the emergence of new forms of personal involvement and their compatibility with an enlightened long-term romantic love.  

The author uses a mix of philosophical clarification, references to empirical psychological research, and insights from popular culture.  There is little attention to gender and LBTQ theory, though the author claims that the results apply to non-heterosexual romantic relationships as well. Chapters are organized in sections which are introduced by short quotes from literary, popular culture, or comments from readers to the blog that Ben Ze’ev edits in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/aaron-ben-ze-v-phd; accessed on 11/17/2019),  where some of the sections were first published.

Chapter one deals with the possibility of long-term romantic love. Ben-Ze’ev notes that philosophers and psychologists are divided on the question if indeed love can last forever.
Nevertheless, our notion of love affirms that true love is everlasting.  Is this romantic myth of human relationship a worthwhile ideal or a dangerous ideology that ultimately can bring havoc to individuals and relationships? Referring to Flaubert’s Madame Bovary and to the Israeli writer Amos Oz’s My Michael —which he acknowledges as foundational influences in his thinking— Ben Ze’ev proposes to confront the romantic ideal not only with the reality of everyday life (he mentions that in Western societies breakups and short term relationship are the new norm) but with the underlying emotions that the myth is supposed to represent. Against the romantic myth stands the fact that over time, sexual desire in committed relationships tends to decrease. In favor of the myth stands the reality uncovered by empirical research that a good percentage of long-term relationships report being intensely in love with their partner, and this seems to be confirmed by other research using fMRI. Still, another study finds that familiarity may promote attraction, but other finds contradict this one.  Against the myth, but also the inconclusive results of experimental psychology, Ben Ze’ev proposes to examine the problem from the point of view of the theory of emotions. 

We experience emotions when we perceive a positive or negative significant change in our situation (5). But if we focus solely on change, we miss an essential characteristic of love and romantic relationships.  According to the author, besides acute emotions, which are short and intense, other emotions can be indeed long-standing. This is discussed in chapter two, which surveys the field of emotions. Ben Ze’ev proposes two angles of attack: the ’cause’ of emotions which is related to change, and the ‘major concern’ which is personal and comparative, which he believes as vital for the possibility of lasting love. (30).  Chapter three examines the romantic experience. Ben Ze’ev differentiates between the intensity and the profundity of an emotion. Intensity is characteristic of a quick peak of passionate desire, whereas profundity refers to a broader and more enduring attitude. The chapter concludes with an examination of some philosophical models of love: care and sharing. The care model focuses on the needs of the beloved, tends to be more one-sided, and can, in extreme situations, lead to the sacrifice of the personality of one of the partners for the sake of the other.  The dialogical model highlights what happens between the partners. Ben Ze’ev concludes that both models have meaningful insights on the nature of romantic relationships. Care is better at analyzing other types of love, such as parental love. Dialogue is best at explaining lasting and profound love. 

Chapter 4 deals with the context conducive to enduring love.  Ben Ze’ev discusses the difference between ‘preventing’ and ‘promoting behavior.’ He claims that we spend more time in preventive mode and that this reflects the greater dominance of negative experiences in our emotional environment. He also discusses the Aristotelian difference between ‘intrinsic’ and ‘extrinsically’ valued activities.  Most human activities have both intrinsic and instrumental value, and it is the combination of these two aspects that enables an experience to endure. The book continues querying questions such as choosing a romantic partner, romantic compromises, sexual relationships, and love in later life.  

At some point, Ben Ze’ev compares a romantic relationship to wine. Romantic relationships like wine require aging, but only a few wines can age well, and then only under adequate fostering and competent care.  

A question for any review if who is the ideal reader for this book? As we all have a concern for love and relationships, it probably will be interest to readers from different backgrounds, both professionally involved in the field, and laypeople.  Professionals will appreciate his value-free examination and analytical approach. Lay people will undoubtedly enjoy Ben Ze’ev drawings from popular culture and the freshness of his approach.   

© 2019 Michael Maidan

Michael Maidan, Bay Harbor Islands, Florida