The Good Enough Child appears to be written as a kind of antidote to the all too prominent disposition of parents to self -denigration and blame on the one hand and persistent disappointment in their children on the other when the child of their dreams does not correspond with the child of reality. The concept of "Good Enough" is truly the central thesis of the book as contrasted with "The Perfect Child" and its corollary, the "Perfect Family". Dr. Sachs contends that by developing a better understanding of various distorting biases in experiencing their children and themselves, parents can become free to develop healthier relationships with their actual children relatively unencumbered by ideas of how their children or they "should be" according to the dictates of largely unconscious scripts. The target audience of the book is clearly the broad range of modern parents struggling with the many complex and challenging issues involved in raising children. As a self-help work it makes no attempt to provide empirical support to its claims beyond case material though the illustrative material is quite detailed and often compelling.

In the core of the book, the author elaborates five different processes that can contribute to what he describes as the goal of "forgiving even embracing imperfection" that he feels is necessary to realize a healthy productive relationship with the actual "Good Enough" child. These processes are as follows: Uncovering, Acknowledging, Understanding, Forgiving, and Changing. Uncovering is described as the process of identifying the origins of parental expectations for the child especially as these expectations reflect persistent issues from the parent’s own childhood. Acknowledging, according to Sachs, reflects the parent recognizing the means by which he or she may be actively contributing to the behaviors and situations that are so frustrating. Understanding describes an effort to appreciate the function of the child’s behavior from her point of view-what problems does the behavior address for the child? Forgiving entails what the author describes as "releasing the child from an unwritten contract that requires him to meet your (the parents) needs rather than his own". And finally Changing refers to the frequent need for the parent, like the child, to change some aspects of his/her behavior to improve the family relationship dynamics. Each of these concepts is described in a separate chapter with many specific clinical examples from cases in the author’s psychotherapy practice.

After exploring the dynamics of helping the parent relinquish inappropriate and distorting attitudes and expectations for the child, Sachs addresses the need of the parent to hold more realistic and appropriate expectations regarding the parenting role. An increase in acceptance and greater forgiveness is indicated here as well only this time directed from the parent to themselves and their sincere efforts to be a "Good Enough Parent". Finally, the significance of the parents’ marital relationship as well as issues related to co-parenting following a divorce are discussed in the latter chapters of the book-The Good Enough Parent, The Good Enough Marriage, and The Good Enough Divorce. In the final chapter of The Good Enough Child, "Questions, Answers, and Reflections, Dr. Sachs addresses many of common questions he has received about parenting issues.

On the whole, I found the work to be well written with a wealth of practical suggestions for addressing many of the thorniest issues in parenting. The author suggests numerous means of addressing the often stubborn problems of projecting ones own needs onto another in one of the closest and often conflictual interpersonal relationships, that between parent and child. However, while suggesting means of change, he maintains a refreshing humility in acknowledging the complexity and difficulty inherent in the parenting process and his own struggles with the same.

Perhaps my only real complaint with the book is that the clinical examples given tend to be, from my perspective as a child and adolescent psychiatrist, those in which the central problems are relatively mild. I suspect this may be related to the breadth of the target audience. However, the needs of parents grappling with major mental illness in their children are very substantial and certainly involve themes of loss of the "Perfect Child" and a need to appreciate the beauty in the real child. A related issue is also the author’s treatment of psychotropic medications. While he does indicate that medication can be helpful to many children, he seems to imply that they are often over-prescribed–a conclusion that is not well supported by existing data. I felt that the role of medication, particularly with more disturbed young people could have been better addressed within the conceptual framework provided by the book. For example, how the parent could use the conceptual processes involved in acceptance and embracing of the real child could include the treatment of serious mental disorder. However, on the whole, I thoroughly enjoyed The Good Enough Child as a thoughtful and potentially very helpful contribution to the parenting literature and anticipate utilizing the concepts in both my role as a child psychiatrist as well as a parent.

© 2001 David Mullen

Dr. Mullen is an Associate Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in the University of New Mexico School of Medicine. He is the Deputy Medical Director of the UNM Children’s Psychiatric Hospital and attending physician in that facility’s adolescent inpatient unit. His interests include the application of evolutionary psychological principles to the understanding of child and adolescent psychopathology, especially the disruptive behavior disorders.

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