In the Preface to The Visitation
Handbook, Brette McWhorter Sember, an attorney at law, calls this book, "two books
in one."  It is a flip book.  The custodial parent reads the side for them
that is roughly half the book, and the non-custodial parent reads the side,
upside down for the custodial parent i.e. by flipping over the book with a new
cover, etc., as written for them.  This
kitsch little maneuver is clever if you are a teenager, but not so clever for
an adult. 

Much of the material presented in
one side of the book is presented in the other side of the book.  This is tedious.  It is this reviewer’s opinion that both custodial and
non-custodial parent would benefit greatly from reading an integration of both
sides of the book presented in a straightforward manner.  Each parent needs to be aware of what each
other is really going through and the advice given to both parents.

In the How To Use This Book
section the author states, "Read this book and pay careful attention to
the chapters that speak to your immediate concerns."  This is a good admonition; however, as a
custody evaluator who is asked by the court for evaluations when modification
of child custody comes to the judges’ attention, it is often the things that
the parent doesn’t think important that is at issue and in many cases is
harming the "best interests of the child."

The book stresses in some parts and
dances around the topic of the letter of the law and the spirit of the law as
far as modifications to court ordered visitations.  Most courts, when they issue a specific order as far as
visitation times, dates, vacation times, etc. want their order obeyed.  It is not up to the divorced parents to
change the court order where it is more convenient for them.  In many courts here in California, special
mediators (often child custody evaluators) are given limited judicial authority
to modify orders as far as the housekeeping about set days for visitation or
when modifications as far as vacation times, etc. are in question.  Court orders are never at the whim of the
parties involved.

The Visitation Handbook does
go into an area that usually comes up with divorced parents and their
children.  In the section dealing with,
WHEN YOUR CHILD DOES NOT WANT TO GO VISIT, the author puts forth a great deal
of very pertinent information.  He says,

"Visitation is not optional
for your child, just as it is not optional for you.  Spending time with one’s parents is a lifelong commitment.  When your children are adults, they can
decide for themselves if they wish to continue their relationships with their
parents.  While they are children they
do not have this choice.  You are the
parent and you must make sure that your child follows the rules that have been
created for your family.  Furthermore,
you have been ordered by the court to allow visitation at scheduled times.  If you do not, you are violating a court
order and can be held in contempt of court, which can mean jail time and fines,
not to mention the fact that you could lose custody."

This
quote is very unambiguous and applies to both the custodial and the
non-custodial parent.  This very issue
is the reason that so very many people are back in front of a judicial officer
or the court’s designated arbitrator.

The
setting of rules is another very good section. 
It talks directly about a problem that separated parents have with their
children and each other.  This quote
says it all, "As a parent, your job is to help your child obey and live
with rules, no matter who has created them and whether they are right or
wrong."  It is the parents’
responsibility to make the judgment as to whether or not a rule is harmful for
the child or not.  If the child is being
harmed in your opinion, "The best way to handle this is to discuss it
with him or her when your child is not present.  You also have to learn to step back and evaluate just how important
this is…just because a child is unhappy about a rule does not mean it is
wrong."

On
the whole this is a very good book for both the custodial and non-custodial
parent.  It presents, in a simple
format, many of the issues that newly divorced parents will face with their
child and with each other.  It is a
condensed book.  Many libraries are full
of books on child development, discipline, etc.  This book does give good references for further reading.  It is this reviewer’s opinion that both
parents should read both sides of the flip book and use the resource guide to
get more in-depth information.   The
resource guide is easily worth the cost of the book alone.

©
2003 James E. de Jarnette

James E. de Jarnette, Ph.D.,
Forensic Child Custody Evaluator

Categories: Relationships