Guilt anyone? As one of the generation who grew up in the ’60s, I am aware of the effects of the generation gap upon familial relations. Most of my generation severely criticized their parents as “squares, the establishment, out-of-touch,” among other epithets. The “recovered memory” movement castigated parents for every trial and tribulation facing their adult children today. Forgive Your Parents, Heal Yourself attempts to bring sense into our understanding of parental behavior, motives, and sufferings.

Grosskopf examines a variety of histories involving parents and their adult children. He explores the generational and childhood roots of behaviors that seem to arise without explanation. Physiological processes involved in behavior are also explored throughout.
 

“The grief that comes to us out of the blue may originate in our parents’ lives and not our own; it may be hard to differentiate between unhappiness that arises from the past and that which is caused by present events. We may mistakenly blame our partners or circumstances for feelings originating in remembered or unremembered events from our childhood.” (p. 131)

There is a decidedly spiritual slant to the book, and there are a variety of biblical quotations beginning the chapters. In fact, the book is based on the fifth commandment, “Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long and that it may go well with you upon the land.”

Some who have suffered deeply because of parental neglect, abuse, etc. may find this prescription hard to swallow.

The author is also not afraid to bring science into the picture:
 

“As young children with an immature cortex, we are all emotionally impressionable in the literal sense. Synaptic connections between nerve cells grow enormously just at the time when the infant’s emotions are most impressionable and actively molded by the environment. (author’s italics) As adults, we are astonished at the sensitivity of animals and children because we become emotionally blunted as we get older. As the cortex develops control over the emotionally reactive part of the brain, it inhibits the raw expression of primary emotion, dampens our receptivity, and then as adults, we no longer even imagine how exquisitely sensitive we once were.” (p. 35)

Reading this book made me realize how good I really had it growing up in the suburbs of Detroit with middle-class parents, dysfunctional though they were at times, (no thanks to me). To quote singer/songwriter Elvis Costello, “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?”
 

Neal Gardner has an associate degree in medical secretarial technology, and one in health services management. He is also a musician and a consumer of mental health services.

Categories: ClientReviews, Relationships, SelfHelp

Keywords: adult children, dysfunctional families, family therapy, recovery